Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Annunciation

As told by Mary

Editor’s Note: My source claims to have found this, and other stories, in a clay jar inscribed “Letters from Cousin Mary”. No independent confirmation has yet been made; the finder says he needs to re-assemble fragments and translate them before they fall into the hands of people who will try to suppress them. Therefore the reader is warned that their validity must be judged from the context.

The story of the annunciation found in Luke is all wrong. I know; I was there.

First of all, none of this was started by God. I started it, because God wasn’t doing anything. It’s like he had forgotten us, his chosen people.

I told him, “Just what the hell are you doing up there? You made a covenant with us not to forget us, your chosen people. Sure, we made some promises, too, not all of which have been kept, but on the whole, we have been faithful, no more golden calf and that kind of stuff. But you, where are you? Not long after we got back from Babylonia, we got conquered by the Greeks, the Hittites, the Romans, and who knows what other kinds of heathens. You call that keeping a covenant? Is it too much for us to have our own little country, where we can worship you in peace, without getting taxed into poverty, without getting drafted into some yahoo’s army of conquest?

“Well, God, I’m damn sick and tired of it and I’m not gonna take it anymore, Here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m getting pregnant, and this child I’m dedicating to you. I’m offering my firstborn. This kid I’m going to raise to know he’s special – that he is loved by you and that he is going to love you back. I’m going to tell him his whole life is dedicated to you. I’m going to tell him his job is to do your job – to get us our own country, to free us from these heathen, superficial, polytheistic barbarians, to restore the throne of David and Solomon, so we can act like we are a chosen people.”

That’s what I told God.

And then I got pregnant, and it wasn’t with this “overshadowing” BS, either. Luke makes it sound like some kind of Divine Rape. It was with a guy I love, a perfect mensch with good genes, so the firstborn offering would be perfect, without blemish, and with the guts to do what needed to be done.

Well, of course, you know what kind of hooha that raised. My folks were freaking out their minds. “We raised you to be a good girl, and here you are yelling at God, and now you get yourself pregnant. What will the neighbors think?” Well, you know what the neighbors thought.

(Here is where this fragment ends. It is to be hoped that additional pieces will become available soon.)


  1. I'm sorry that I don't get the point of posting something like this during this most Holy Season, other than humor. Honestly, this is not that funny. The divinity of Christ is fundamental to our faith and I find this rather offensive and beneath what I would expect from brothers and sisters in the Catholic faith.

  2. Interesting. I didn't know that Mary was a linguist. Since there is no word for "cousin" in Aramaic and Hebrew, what language did Mary write in? And did she write on papyrus, found only in Egypt, or clay tablets? Pretty unusual for a peasant girl in those days.

    Randy, be careful when you use the words "our faith" with these people. They have a tendency to make it up as they go along.

  3. Sounds to me like the clay pots were buried in a stereotyped Brooklyn in 1940 CE. God is up-there-out-there, and tribal separation is in full force. Of course, Mary may grow into the Magnificat in fragments of letters not yet deciphered. Have you seen the report of Jesus being interviewed by Jon Stewart? It is here. A 21st century Jesus.